Camp...

I am petrified. I am completely and utterly terrified that I am going to be a fifty year old woman who has done nothing we her life. I have alot of grand plans and amazing schemes that never eventuate.

I think I am talented and have 'potential'. I'm not saying that to toot my own horn or whatever, I'm just saying it, well, because i feel it is true. I can do alot of things and I can do them well. I'm very creative and I am very passionate. However, I have always had a trouble with motivation (as I guess many people do). It takes alot to get me motivated but when I do it and when I get to where I am going I feel great.

My problem now is being in a relationship with someone even less motivated than myself. Finding the will power and drive to pull myself forward has always been a full on task but now I find myself having to find the strength to carry two people towards a common goal and this is hard. Don't get me wrong, I love El Capitan Tato more than anything on this planet, he is beutiful and kind and loving and makes my heart smile huger than I ever realised it could bu f*&% he is lazy :p One one hand his easy-going, laid back nature is a really wonderful aspect of his personality, I have stuffed up alot in the two years we have been together and I know that the reason he has been able to forgive me and give me more chances than I deserve is because of this assuasive attitude. On the opposite hand I wish I had a huge cattle prod at times to get him fired up and excited. I fear that when I am that old lady sitting in her rickety old rocking chair on the varandah of her rental property I am going to resent James because we never did anything with our lives. I know this would be unfair because If I do become that person it will have been my fault, I am the master of my own destiny after all but when having to chose between living a life with the person you love and living a life of adventure and achiecement its a tough call.

I just want to see James excited, passionate, fired up, enthusiastic. I love to see him angry, I mean I hate the fact that he is angry about something, that upset me, but at the same time I just love to see some kind of charged up emotion in him. I guess this is the sagitarrian in me? I've never been one to analyse people by star sign. I'm always listening to everyone justify other people's actions by "typical cancerian" or "he's an aquarian, its what they do" or whatever but I've never paid that much attention. Though I can really feel the fiery centaur burning inside me at times, haha. I get so charged and so passionate about things at times. I just want to rush out and start planning and telling everyone. I like to be very proactive, it gives me a rush. James is seriously the opposite of this and it can feel like some times his relaxed, 'plenty of time' nature is holding me back. This is why so many of our grand plans end up on the back burner. I really miss that feeling of exhilleration you get when you're charging for a goal.

I used to think the fact that James and I were polar oppsites in this respect was a good thing and quite often it is. He is the yin to my yang or is it the yang to my yin? He can can calm me down when I am being over the top and going too far with my mad plans and I can get him moving when he is a 24 year old unemployed bum living at home with his mum :p Now I hope that we can get over this hurdle that our confliciting personalities are creating to forge ahead with my new epic agenda (and the point of this post, how did I get so off track?)...

I want to go bush :D Over the past year we have been toying with the idea of going fruitpicking around Australia (another grand plan). I really want to see this amazing country we live in. Everyone takes off to do the Europe thing, working in London pubs and what not. Don't get me wrong, that sounds like an awesome experience (and also another of our grand plans) but I don't think people realise what a beautiful country Australia is. Most of these people will die having seen all over Europe but having seen hardly any of Australia! "NOT ME" she says. I know the trend of grey nomads is becoming increasingly popular and good on them, better late then never but I want to do it while I am still young enough to have the hugest most massive adventure EVER!!!! I shall be a brunette nomad.

Our/My plan involves buying a 4WD (getting my license) and taking, oooooh, 6 months to a year to travel (camping) around Australia. I want to see everything, I want to go to festivals and events everywhere, I want to leanr heaps of stuff and I want to do heaps of things I never ever thought I would. I will sky dive and bungee jump and scuba dive and parasail and and and anything else I can find to do.

I want to party in every great pub and club in this country. I want to spew in every out back toilet. I want to scrub dishes in roadhouses to pay for petrol and grow dreadlocks and not shower for weeks. I want to meet amazing people and do spectacular things. I want to take a year to live an awesome life and experience everything so that if I were to die on the day of my return I would die happy because I have done SOMETHING!

I don't care if its a struggle, I don't care what I have to go through because for every downfall there is something thrilling to pick me up right aorund the corner. I don't want to wait till I'm rich and travel from Hilton to Hilton, fuck that off. I am going to live!!! YEAH!

Haha, see what I mean when I said I get fired up. I put a lot of personal stuff in this post. I hope James doesn't mind, I don't think its an overshare. Just something playing on my mind. And putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) puts my plans in hardcopy so it makes it more difficult to go pack to them.

The second part of my plan is to pull something more tangible out of it. Please don't tell me my dreams are too huge, I hate that, I always aim for astronomical things and I really have the confidence in myself and in James to feel that I/we can achieve them. I intend to write a book on my travels, about my travels. It will kind of be like a guide to Australia for people under the age of 60. Its going to have every nitty gritty detail of our adventure, tips, hints, reviews and suggestions that people of my generation will find interesting. It will be a travel journal/novel/almanac for people wanting to see Australia and have a good time. Its not just going to be random reviews of diffferent tourist spots and what not, its will be personal experiences, highs and lows, discoveries, challenges, everything. Its hard to explain but I know inside me exactly what it is going to be and that is the most important thing.

I also plan to take a video camera and shoot and edit a documentary along the way, very similar in idea to the book. This excites me, to put that Media Production major to some use.

I have big plans and I will succeed. Within two years from now I will be living this dream, I hope James will be with me. If I have to do it alone though I will as sad as it makes me. Its time for me to step up.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyar. I am a ninja. I am also not proof reading this post because its too freakin' long.

Love Nic

P.S. James just showed me his horoscope for today....

Go ahead and make those ambitious plans. Out of all the signs, you've got the know-how and gumption to make them a reality before too long. Your pit crew of friends and family will help you get there.

Freaky Deaky.